im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
a search helicopter?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
