It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
