if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
