So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
