Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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