Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
