Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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