i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
