shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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