i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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