At least make sure they are 18
Why
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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