your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
