this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
