1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
