Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
