i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
