I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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