Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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