somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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