just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize