Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
