you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
