the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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