Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
