she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
