Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
