What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
