I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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