genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
