I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
