just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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