i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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