These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize