i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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