Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
