Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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