My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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