I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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