I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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