im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
