I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
