sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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