don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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