He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
