I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize