Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize