i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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