got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
