i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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