This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize