youre lurking in front of me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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