Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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