So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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