I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
