there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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