You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
