UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
