it wasn't lemon gatorade
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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