I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
