Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
