So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
