yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
