Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
