I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
